Saturday, July 28, 2018

A Parents Guide of What to Expect: Steakhouse Edition

Arrive at determined restaurant, with reservation, at appropriate dinner time.

Kid's will announce, they are not hungry.

Not hungry children will eat, literally, ten packets of crackers.

Kid #1 will ask for root beer. Decline request, because, OH MY GOODNESS HE IS ALREADY ON YOUR LAST NERVE.

Kid #1 will grab toothpick. He will then use it to stab chunks of butter and eat them, until he consumes an entire butter pad and his mouth is coated in oil.

Kid #1 will ask for more crackers. When told no, will ask for more butter.

Kid #2, will leave zero centimeters of space between you, because they love you.

Kid #2, will yell loudly at Kid #1, "STOP IT!" or vice-versa.

Grab yelling kid's face, get really close, and tell them that you put up with a lot, but WILL NOT put up with yelling in a restaurant! Realize you are kind of yelling, but push through, you are the parent.

Give Kid #1 the mom face, and through gritted teeth make threat you likely will not follow through with - something along the lines of, "Do not touch him/her again or no tech for the rest of the weekend".

Kids will obey because, even though they know you are inconsistent, they can see the rage in your eyes.

A small miracle will occur and pre-dinner soups and salads come.

Share half of your salad with not hungry Kid #2.

Kid #1 will grab entire shot glass of toothpicks, so bust out the mom face again and tell them to stop touching the toothpicks, stop putting toothpicks between their front teeth and making faces, stop pretending to stab people with said toothpick, for the love, just ENOUGH with the toothpicks and eat your soup!

Announce that you are going to the restroom. Deliberately check with all children to see if any of them need to go to the potty. Children will say no, because they are liars.

Go to the bathroom - for a minute you are by yourself. It's glorious.

Return to the table.

Have obnoxious drunk people sit at the table next to you. Try hard not to channel your rage at person who is making your eardrums bleed with her loud cackling.

Kid #2 will complain about before mentioned drunk people and ask if you can leave.

Now, give kids sanctimonious talk about showing grace - the drunk people just had a lot of fun today, maybe their food will come soon and they will quiet down. Tell children they can go ask them to quiet down, but mommy cannot do it nicely, so she will not.

When Kid #2 gets up to ask drunk table to quiet down, shut her down, because, oh my goodness you can't send a 7 year old to the drunk table. 

Instead, send kids to candy machine near the bar, because it's quieter.

Food comes.

Pray aloud with gratitude and thanksgiving, to be a good example of praising God in all things. Then in your spirit pray for the strength to survive what is left of this dinner event without making people doubt your salvation.

Kid #2 will say, "Huh, that's funny. Now I have to go to the bathroom."

Share quick glance with spouse and try not to laugh hysterically, because it is funny, just not funny ha-ha. Funny, like, we created these insane small versions of ourselves. We are to blame.

Kids will eat approximately five bites and declare they are full. A millisecond later they will ask "When is dessert?".

Try to enjoy the $40 steak that you are eating as fast as humanly possible.

Yell conversationally across the table, because everyone is now slightly deaf because of neighboring table.

Put kids uneaten $25 dinner in dog bag to forget on the table.

Pay bill and tip well, because the waitresses still have a long night.

Leave and remember why you don't take your children out to dinner.

Can any one relate, or is this just our crazy family? 

(Also, I've been the drunk girl before. I'm sure they had no idea how loud they were being, so no hard feelings, it just really happened that way and heightened our dinner experience in a special way. I thought you might get a kick out reliving it with me.)

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