Friday, March 25, 2011

I should be sleeping...

But, instead I write. Weary from being up at midnight, 3, 4:30, 5:30, and awake  for the day at 7. I don't think I knew what I was getting into when we decided that we should try for another wee one. I am not sure I knew the toll it would take. I feel so ridiculous for complaining. It makes me seem weak. It makes me seem like a crybaby. People have kids all the time. There are lots of families that have 2+ children who are doing just fine. But, here as I confess to my computer screen, I am struggling. It could be that sweet Isley is a crabby girl. Not always, but she has/had colic, and is very sensitive to the food I eat. It could be the guilt that Boden has to take second place to a needy 13 week old. It could be the guilt I carry for not being able to accomplish it all, for not being the fun mom I used to be, for feeling angry instead of compassionate when my little girl won't just give in and fall asleep. Why do I feel so...empty?

Perhaps this is a bad day. Perhaps since I have been reading Ann's book, I have come face to face with my ungrateful heart. It could be the extra weight around the thighs that mocks me from the mirror. Perhaps, mama just needs a vacation. Perhaps it is because winter seems unending and I have cabin fever. Mostly, I think it is because I feel as though no one understands. I think in some ways I feel abandoned. I am quite competent in my life. I don't often need help and even when I do I usually don't ask. I don't like being needy. And now, when I do need help - the people that I would want to help me have chosen to turn away instead of stepping up to the plate. I am praying that this season ends soon, that God will begin to heal the brokenness in my heart. I ask that I don't screw up my kids.  I pray that the old Jesica would come back and scoot this grouchy Jesica out the door. Mostly I hope that the one who is merciful and abundant in loving kindness will help and comfort me.


I always feel that when I write a post like this I need to have a disclaimer, so here it is: 


I adore my husband & children. I am not a horrid mother. We laugh, play and smile together. I have amazing friends, who fill the gaps for me in amazing ways. Without you I would be a wreck. I am not having a breakdown, though sometimes I wonder. And, most of all - I am incredibly thankful for the life I live. It is amazing. I have so much and feel so awful that I would have any reason to complain, because I really don't. I know several sweet friends that would trade almost all for one more day with their wee ones, so please know that I try not to take my precious babies for granted. But, sometimes a mama just has to let her heart feel those things, lay them before the cross, and ask for His perspective, grace, and healing. This is one of those times. 

4 comments:

  1. Anonymous4:10 PM

    Though I don't understand the struggles of being a mom of two, I DO understand feeling alone, abandoned, and without visible hope that someone will help. No one REALLY understands what we're feeling or going through except the Lord, which makes us beautifully desperate for Him.....best case senario, of course:) Jesica, I have wanted to be there since I moved away, and it breaks my heart to hear you're feeling abandoned.

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  2. Rachel Thorson4:17 PM

    Though I do not understand the struggles of being a mom of two, I DO understand how it feels to be alone, abandoned, and without visible hope of getting help. No one REALLY understands our hurts but the Lord, and that makes us beautifully desperate for Him.....or best case senario, of course:) We don't always make it that easy. Jesica, I have wanted to be there with you ever since I moved away, and my heart breaks to hear you're feeling abandoned.

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  3. I enjoyed reading your blog today. This post was especially striking. We have very similar situations and trust me when I say that I have felt the exact same way! Mine are now almost 2 and 4 but I very clearly remember the challenges of those younger days. It does get better. And it does get more challenging. It ebbs and flows as I'm sure you are aware. It is a breath of fresh air to read someone being true about motherhood. You are not alone and you are not doing anything wrong by admitting how you feel. You have to get it out! I think often of my grandmother's generation when mothers and daughters and sisters and aunts all lived close together. We were not separated by distance and 1000 obligations. I appreciate living in the 21st century with the modern conveniences it offers, but sometimes I've wondered what it would be like to be surrounded by a network of women who can relate to how I feel about motherhood. I think it is something that has been lost in the modern era.

    Anyhoo...I digress. Hang in there. I don't even know you, but you are doing a wonderful job! Oh...and btw..you won the Cake Nightgown from Mommy Long Legs! I will send you and email!

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