But, instead I write. Weary from being up at midnight, 3, 4:30, 5:30, and awake for the day at 7. I don't think I knew what I was getting into when we decided that we should try for another wee one. I am not sure I knew the toll it would take. I feel so ridiculous for complaining. It makes me seem weak. It makes me seem like a crybaby. People have kids all the time. There are lots of families that have 2+ children who are doing just fine. But, here as I confess to my computer screen, I am struggling. It could be that sweet Isley is a crabby girl. Not always, but she has/had colic, and is very sensitive to the food I eat. It could be the guilt that Boden has to take second place to a needy 13 week old. It could be the guilt I carry for not being able to accomplish it all, for not being the fun mom I used to be, for feeling angry instead of compassionate when my little girl won't just give in and fall asleep. Why do I feel so...empty?
Perhaps this is a bad day. Perhaps since I have been reading Ann's book, I have come face to face with my ungrateful heart. It could be the extra weight around the thighs that mocks me from the mirror. Perhaps, mama just needs a vacation. Perhaps it is because winter seems unending and I have cabin fever. Mostly, I think it is because I feel as though no one understands. I think in some ways I feel abandoned. I am quite competent in my life. I don't often need help and even when I do I usually don't ask. I don't like being needy. And now, when I do need help - the people that I would want to help me have chosen to turn away instead of stepping up to the plate. I am praying that this season ends soon, that God will begin to heal the brokenness in my heart. I ask that I don't screw up my kids. I pray that the old Jesica would come back and scoot this grouchy Jesica out the door. Mostly I hope that the one who is merciful and abundant in loving kindness will help and comfort me.
I always feel that when I write a post like this I need to have a disclaimer, so here it is:
I adore my husband & children. I am not a horrid mother. We laugh, play and smile together. I have amazing friends, who fill the gaps for me in amazing ways. Without you I would be a wreck. I am not having a breakdown, though sometimes I wonder. And, most of all - I am incredibly thankful for the life I live. It is amazing. I have so much and feel so awful that I would have any reason to complain, because I really don't. I know several sweet friends that would trade almost all for one more day with their wee ones, so please know that I try not to take my precious babies for granted. But, sometimes a mama just has to let her heart feel those things, lay them before the cross, and ask for His perspective, grace, and healing. This is one of those times.