Thursday, January 27, 2011

What I needed to hear...

If you haven't read this post on perfection, by Single Dad Laughing - you probably need to hop over and read it.  Even if you don't usually read the things I link to, this is worth the time.

Then you will understand why I am laying it all out for you, today.

I am not perfect - even though I want everyone to think I am.

I have gone weeks and months without opening the Bible - even though I want everyone to think I am a Bible scholar.

I fail at being a mom all the time. I yell at my kids, I am impatient with them. Sometimes I act like I have to go "number two", just so I can shut the door to the bathroom and be all by myself.

I am a crappy wife. My husband is amazing and sometimes I treat him like crap. I am too self absorbed to be the woman he needs on many occasions.

I am a sucky friend. I would rather keep my perfect persona than let people in. I am afraid to reach out because of what it will cost me.

I am too embarrassed to invite people over because 85% of the time my house is a disaster.

Granted, there are many times when I do get it right. I am supermom, sexy wife and loyal friend. But, those days are not every day. Somedays I don't get out of my Pj's, my husband has to do everything himself, and my friends think I am missing in action.

I want to live in His grace and the freedom that being NOT perfect can allow, but this idea of perfection has so infiltrated my being that it will only be by the freeing power of an all powerful God to not only change my heart, but my mind, too! It is my prayer that He can do what I can not - that He will help me be the woman He desires me to be, flaws and all. That by His Spirit I can help someone else move passed the lie of perfection into the joy of imperfection by letting my rough edges show. And, can I just give a hearty thank you to those who have seen me at my worst and love me anyway. You are the ones who give me courage to face the mirror and see the potential, not the failure.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Transition...

I am usually thankful for change, but sometimes the transition is a little painful...

This sweet boy had a bad day about 10 days after Isley arrived.

It involved pooping in the middle of his floor while he was supposed to be napping, having a huge crying, screaming outburst in the middle of church - during the sermon, peeing his bed intentionally, and telling us he would rather be spanked than put is arms in his sleeves so he could go to town with Papa. It was pretty much our worst day of parenthood to date. At the end of the day we just hung our heads and laughed. What do you do? Somedays you just feel like a failure as a parent and hope that the next day is better! 

For me the transition seems to be heading for the darker season of losing my personal identity. I remember these feelings from the early days with B. It is a little easier this time, understanding that with a precious new one it requires a real dying of self. I don't necessarily think it is a bad thing, but it is difficult. I find that at 4 weeks postpartum reality sets in and I am faced with long days and nights. I find myself wishing that family lived closer or I had endless funds to fly them to me. I envy those who have their moms close. I begin to realize that in my effort to be super mom I have worn myself out. I take out my weariness on my handsome guys and the guilt is sometimes overwhelming. I am all at once needing alone time and feeling lonely, simultaneously. For now I lay it down at the foot of the cross. I give it to the one who is more than able - the one who can strengthen me and shower me with His endless grace. I ask for help. Help me to give more and need less. Help me to treasure these moments and not forget the blessings of my little family. They truly are a heavenly gift. 



And they keep me smiling. :) 

The new normal...

We welcomed a sweet baby girl into our family! Sweet Isley (pronounced Eyes-lee) came just before the new year and we are so thankful for this beautiful tax deduction baby. She is amazing!

Often people are interested in birth stories - so I will fill you in. If you didn't want to know all the details, just skip to the end. I was the last in our family to succumb to the awful stomach bug. So, the evening before I delivered I spent moaning on the bathroom floor between bouts of vomiting and...well, you know. By the next morning I was exhausted and asked Norse to stay home so B would have a present parent. I laid on the couch and by afternoon I was annoyed that I was still having stomach cramps....by 4 I was pretty sure they weren't stomach cramps, but contractions. Can I admit now that I was a wreck. I was so afraid. My goal has always been to have a drug free birth experiences, but after spending the previous night hugging the porcelain throne, I just didn't think I could do it without some help!  It didn't help that when I told my husband that I needed to go to the hospital he asked if he could shower. My contractions were about 7 minutes apart - so I said " I guess so".  I was pretty irritated with him. I found out later that he thought I said my contractions were 35-45 minutes apart - or else he wouldn't have asked. It is funny in hindsight. :) We made it to the hospital around 5ish and after an hour they told me I could stay. They struggled to insert the IV since I was so dehydrated. It didn't really help my anxiety.  I was dilated to a 5 and decided I better take a dip in the tub. An hour and a half later I needed to get out or pass out. Here is where it gets real exciting. I got out of the tub and back into my luxuriously tacky hospital gown and had a killer contraction. I leaned onto the bed and when it was over asked if I could kneel on the floor and I had another contraction - A contraction where my water broke and babies head was crowning. NO JOKE! I was pretty sure that we were gonna deliver on the floor, but after telling my FIRMLY that I needed to launch my giant bod onto the table - I had another contraction and baby was out! The doctor hadn't even arrived yet! CRAZY. I am so glad we went to the hospital, since I am not real comfy with a home birth. It was only about 3 hours from entering the door of the hospital to delivery. God was so good to give me a quick labor so I could do it drug free! Woo hoo! I called all the fam to tell them "IT WAS A GIRL!!!!"

Okay - the gory details are over - welcome back to those of you who skipped to the end.






Now we are transitioning into the new normal ..... stay tuned for more on our life as a family of 2 kiddos!