I haven't had much to say lately. I haven't even had much to say to anyone. It wasn't that I didn't have time to write it down, I didn't know what to say. I haven't known how to feel. I feel empty. Like my everything has run out of fuel. I have been snotty to my husband, impatient with my son (and the dog, too), and even somewhat distant from my friends. I am realizing now that I have also been distant from my God.
I have been reading good books and listening to good teachers, but I haven't been spending real time with Him. I hadn't had a good talk with my Father in a long while.
Today, that ended.
I sat outside - mostly trying to avoid the whining coming from my son's room as he protested a nap - and worked on a new Bible study I have started. After finishing the "homework" for the day, I took a look around. The lake looked so glassy and serene from my porch. I started to cry. I have felt so stirred up about EVERYTHING lately, but on the surface I have seemed peaceful. (Why do we do that? Does anyone really believe we are perfect? Then maybe we should just stop trying to convince them.) I realized that I need refreshed. I need renewed. I need restored. I need my God.
Why have I been trying to figure everything out on my own? Why have I spent all this time tucking things into my clenched fists, when I should have been offering them up to the only One who can do anything about them? Why have I insisted on building up my walls, when my hearts desire is to be closer to Him?
I opened up my trusty Word and searched for verses with the word "refreshment"... After the million times I have heard the following passage, why have I never noticed verse 8?
Pro 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.
Pro 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.
Pro 3:7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
Pro 3:8 It will be healing to your body And refreshment to your bones.
So, Lord, take it all from me. The family issues, my failings as a wife and a mother, the uncertainty about prosepective jobs, the insecurity about what I am supposed to be doing. Lord, take it. Lead me. Straighten my paths. Give me Your wisdom. Heal my body and most of all, refresh my weary bones.