I usually don't use my blog as an outlet for any angsty moments I may have, but this is an exception. It's Christmas and I feel like the grinch, OK not really, but I do feel kind of sad and lonely. I hate writing this for all to see because I think most people will respond with one of the two options
1. "Why is she complaining, she has it so good (which I really do). What a selfish baby"
2. "How can I encourage Jesica, I want to do something nice. (which really is kind, but I am not sure I am ready for too much kindness, because then I will know you read this and feel sorry for me, when really you probably have your own troubles that I am too self-absorbed to notice)
With that said, I cannot understand why I am in such a funk. OK, I do know. It is because when your relationship with God is off, so is your relationship with everyone else.
Last week three of our appliances had issues. The microwave that only arced occasionally was now zapping flames at almost everything we put in it. I can only imagine that the radioactive food we've been eating has contributed to my sudden pessimism. Thankfully this made it easy for me to pick out an overpriced early Christmas present for myself... my beautiful GE Profile "over the range" nuke. Isn't it beautiful. I am now laying on the vast counter space that I now have. Not really, but it is nice to see that corner of the kitchen again. Also our water heater bottom element bit the dust..err, limescale. Which made for a chilly shower Sunday morning (always a great way to start the day). Thankfully, Norse fixed that too. Finally, the fridge is shorting out. But, yay for Bud Block appliance repair finding out that if we removed the light bulb from the dispensing unit, it will work without shutting OFF the entire fridge/freezer every time you wanted a drink. Maybe this was just the needle that broke the proverbial camel back.
For weeks I have been struggling with my spiritual life. Here are the reasons as I see them for my lackluster relationship with my Father. a)Boden is a crazy man (in a good way) b)it has been months since I have sat through an entire sermon c)Our local church is having some "issues" as of late that continue to bubble beneath the surface instead of being truly resolved (at least in my mind)d)I miss having bible study and prayer with a Christian woman e)I can't remember the last time I spent an extended meaningful time in prayer and scripture reading (don't get me wrong I shoot up a lot of "HELP ME's" in a day). I hate it when I know the answer to my own problems.
I am also torn because I want alone time, time with my hubby, and yet I am not sure who to leave my crazy boy with. ( I am pretty sure this is a new mom thing, because veteran moms are masters of the babysitter) It is hard living away from family - I miss my mom
And finally, I just want to not have to drive 3 hours to spend Christmas with family. When do you get to start having Christmas at your own house without feeling guilty about not seeing everyone at the 'rents house? Does the guilt ever subside? One of my biggest problems is that I want to keep Christmas - CHRIST-mas, but when we are at someone else's house there isn't usually a consensus about Christ actually being the reason for the season, so all that gets lost. Ughh.
Perhaps just writing this out helps me process it. I understand that this is only for a season and that my life is so amazing. I think I am still learning how to be a stay-at-home-mom. The sacrifice of being a SAHM is worth it, but sometimes I struggle with knowing how to grow and be Jesica the SAHM instead of/in addition to the friend, wife, disciple, worker that I once was. Plus, it seems like so much effort to be vulnerable with a new friend. How do I know if they really care or have time. Plus, I don't want to be one of those parasite friends. Yuck! Perhaps this will resonate with some of you other newly SAHM and perhaps some of you veteran mommas have some words of wisdom (Just don't tell me to join MOPS - I am not in the mood for one more social club, yet)
All this to say that I have laid the cookie-dough eating spoon down and am hoping to start fresh today (because His mercies are new every morning) I'll keep you posted as to my adventure out of this pity party. I thought decorating might help (and I'd like to see your cute Christmas ideas) so I am waving goodbye to the grinch and hoping the light of Jesus starts melting the ice burg in my heart. Thanks for listening. I do feel a little better. Jes